Priyankaa Joshi is a 28-year-old content editor and journalist from Bristol. She’s South Asian – her parents are Indian but her dad was born in Tanzania and moved to the UK when he was 14. Her mum was also born in Tanzania but moved to Mumbai when she was a young girl and came to the UK when she was 24. The Joshis still have family in India who mainly live in Mumbai and Gujarat and they speak a mix of Gujarati and English at home (it was actually Priyankaa’s first language; she didn’t start speaking English until she started school). Here, she shares her experiences of racist friends and how she dealt with their comments. She has also spoken to others about their experiences with racist comments from friends, as well as an expert on how best to deal with your closest confidantes in this situation.
Trigger warning: racist comments
Friends – some of the most important people in our lives, sometimes more important than family. So when someone you consider a close friend makes a racist remark or reveals some abhorrent beliefs, it can be utterly devastating.
I can vividly remember the moment my friend Olivia* used the word ‘Paki’ to describe someone who worked in a corner shop. “You really shouldn’t say that,” I told her, explaining that as a South Asian woman, I’ve had the slur used against me in the past and it was incredibly hurtful.
But she refused to listen. “It’s really not a big deal,” she responded, insisting that it was totally acceptable and I needn’t overreact. I didn’t argue back but afterwards, I kept replaying the incident in my head and agonising over what I should have said.
Olivia and I had been friends for over two years, meeting up every couple of weeks to catch up over brunch or after-work drinks. How could someone I was so close with think it was okay to say that? She could see that it had upset me but she showed no empathy or compassion. I was gutted.
“Friends are people we’ve let into our lives and built up significant bonds with so it can be extremely hurtful when they show even the slightest bit of racism,” says life coach and psychologist Lee Chambers.” It can leave you feeling rejected, alienated and even angry.”
The events of last year, with the death of George Floyd and the resurgence of the Black Lives Matter movement, made me think about my friendship with Olivia a lot. Although we’re not friends anymore, I never called her out on her problematic behaviour, I just let the friendship fade away. Looking back, I wish I’d had the confidence to stand up to her. But now, I refuse to nurture friendships with people who don’t share my values or views on racial justice and inequality, and I know I’m not the only one. Last year’s racial reckoning led many people of colour to step back and reflect on their white friendships.
Asha*, 27, a digital campaigns manager at a human rights NGO, says she has also distanced herself from close friends over the past year because of their insensitivity and ignorance around racism.
Growing up as a Bangladeshi girl in East London, Asha would ignore racist remarks for fear of isolating herself. She recalls school friends calling her a ‘Paki’ and a ‘terrorist’ when they got into arguments, but she didn’t challenge it. “I wanted to be liked so if that meant dealing with racism then so be it,” she says.
At university in Wales, a good friend would regularly use the racist trope ‘bud bud ding ding’ around Asha, claiming it was ‘just a laugh’. When she said she found it offensive, other peers would join in and tell her to lighten up.
As Asha began to learn about intersectional feminism, she started calling people out for microaggressions and cultural appropriation but was never taken seriously. “Every single time, I was attacked by my white friends telling me I was wrong,’ she describes. “It became exhausting but I didn’t want to come across as a party pooper so I just put up with it.”
But after a painful encounter with her university best friend Sarah* last year, Asha vowed never to tolerate racism, no matter how big or small, ever again. “It was to do with cultural appropriation – she wore a bindi at a festival and wrote a very problematic caption when uploading a photo of it on social media. When I called her out, she pretended to delete it but my other friends told me she hadn’t. I then got a half-arsed apology,” she explains.
“We had a number of conversations about bindis over the years and she was fully aware how offensive and upsetting I found it, so the hurt was raw and real.”
Reflecting on their fallout, Asha admits it’s sad they aren’t friends anymore, but the experience taught her that it’s okay to let go of friendships which are emotionally draining.
“Now, when people I consider friends say offensive things about people of colour, I have no problem with cutting them off.”
Before walking away, however, Asha always communicates why she found their words or actions problematic. “It’s important to tell them what they’ve done wrong so they can educate themselves and hopefully, learn from it,” she says.
Asha is open to giving people a second chance but has never been in a position where someone has admitted their ignorance and tried to regain her trust. “I guess they feel embarrassed and maybe think I’m overreacting, so the friendship just breaks down from there.”
31-year-old teacher Shivali* who has also been on the receiving end of racism from friends countless times, says such experiences leave her feeling betrayed and disgusted.
During her time at university in Leicester, white friends would mock her South Asian background, making jokes about how ‘Indian’ her house was and mimicking her ‘ghetto’ accent. But a lack of confidence meant she struggled to stand up for herself and call them out when they made her feel uncomfortable.
She recalls one particularly painful incident when she was washing up some dishes after dinner at her friend Ellie’s* house. Laughing, Ellie’s boyfriend asked Shivali if she was doing the washing up because she was the only slave there. “I was taken aback but I didn’t challenge him and neither did my white friends. I felt awful afterwards.”
Shivali feels her lack of confidence was also, in part, due to the insidious nature of the racism she experienced. It was difficult to pinpoint and even harder to call out. “It was seemingly little things like calling me exotic or telling me I’m surprisingly articulate,” she describes. “I often felt self-doubt, like was that wrong of them to say or was I wrong to think that it was racist?”
Shivali would always give friends who showed any signs of racism the benefit of the doubt, but she can see that this was to the detriment of her mental health. “I always wanted to see the good in people, so I chose to ignore it even when they did or said things that hurt me,” she explains.
“I look back on the racist comments and microaggressions I experienced and wish I had been brave enough to stand up for myself. I feel depressed when I think about it.”
Now, Shivali is at a point where she does feel comfortable speaking out when friends make offensive comments. “I tell them what they said was wrong and explain why. If they argue with me, I’m quite persistent and try to get across why it was so offensive.”
“The resurgence of the Black Lives Matter movement has definitely helped me build my confidence because now people can’t really get away with it,” she continues.
“I’ve been reflecting on the people in my life, especially my white middle-class friendship group from uni. Despite everything that has happened, they’re still in their little bubble, unwilling to recognise their white privilege. They aren’t making an effort to change so I don’t want to be their friend anymore. ”
Shivali has stayed friends with just one girl from this group – the only one who made an effort to salvage their relationship and learn about systemic racism. “It was such a hard decision and I feel sad about losing friends I once loved but I had to cut ties to protect myself,” Shivali explains.
What should you do if you’ve experienced racist comments from a friend?
Knowing what to do in this situation can be confusing and scary. Do you turn a blind eye because they’re someone you care about, do you use your energy to try and educate them or do you cut ties altogether?
Psychologist Tina Mistry advises taking some time to acknowledge how you feel.
“Speak to someone you can trust to help you work through your feelings,” she suggests. “Once you understand what you’re feeling, you can choose to address it.”
If you decide you do want to raise the issue with your friend, Tina believes it’s important that both parties are in “safe, open to learning zones”. This means being assertive about how you feel but compassionate at the same time.
“A lot of this is conditioned and ingrained in society and therefore out of our consciousness,” says Tina. “It’s about guiding them to literature that will help them understand why they may feel or say certain things.”
Lee advises focusing on how their actions make you feel rather than what you think about them. “Racism is a highly sensitive topic and it’s important not to trigger judgement in other people,” says Lee. “When you apportion blame, it makes people, even those close to you, more defensive and less responsible for their actions.”
He suggests using phrases like ‘It makes me feel like…’ and ‘I feel hurt because…’ to express your feelings as they’re more likely to invoke empathy and consideration. “This is not a time when you want to create a forum for debate. People can argue with what you think but they can’t argue with how you feel,” Lee explains.
“Once you’ve told them how you feel, let them know what you need from them to improve things and then give them some space,” he adds. “It’s not about setting an ultimatum, it’s about giving them the space to choose how to move forward.”
If they’re a true friend, they’ll be open to learning about the biases they hold and attempt to change their behaviour. If they’re not willing to do that and they continue to upset you, it shows they don’t really value your friendship.
“If you find you can no longer tolerate how you feel when being triggered by said friend, think about your safety first,” says Tina. She suggests clearly communicating why the friendship is no longer serving you and then walking away.
Although making the decision to end a friendship is upsetting, sometimes, it’s the only way to move forward. At the end of the day, friendships should be healthy and energise both sides. If that’s not the case, ask yourself if you really want this person in your life.
“Create a boundary for yourself and only invest in friendships that nourish your soul and bring you joy,” advises Tina. “You’ll reap the rewards of these friendships.”
*Names have been changed.