Picture the scene: you ask your boyfriend to go to the supermarket and do the weekly shopping, he lives in the same household as you and therefore should know what food to get, or what cleaning products need replenishing? Right?
Well, what if he asks you for a list? Then calls you from the supermarket, that he is physically in and you are not, to ask you where the flour is? When he comes home, half the products on the list are missing and you then have to go back yourself, or just resolve to never let him do the shopping. This might just sound like laziness or immaturity – which it is – but it could be more. It could be weaponized incompetence.
Weaponized incompetence has become a more mainstream term, you’ve probably seen it on Instagram infographics or watched a few viral TikTok videos discussing its prevalence. But, what actually is it? And could it be affecting you and your relationship?
What is weaponized incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence is when a partner (often – but not always – a cisgender, heterosexual man) exaggerates their inability to perform simple tasks like cleaning, cooking or making plans, in order to shift the burden of responsibility back to the other partner (usually a woman).
This has also been referred to this as ‘performed mediocrity’, but the end goal is the same: putting the bulk of domestic and emotional labour on their partner so that you end up carrying all of the responsibility. It can cross over into a form of abuse if it persists, because at its core if someone is weaponizing their incompetence it’s because they see their time, career, or energy as more important than yours.
John Kenny, a relationship coach, told GLAMOUR: “In your day-to-day life, you may see examples of this when your partner doesn’t want to do a chore around the house and so delays and delays doing it until you do it yourself, or will do something badly so that you step in and probably never ask them again.
“Recently I spoke to a client that was having this issue with their partner loading the dishwasher. ‘How hard can it actually be to load the dishwasher? No matter how many times I tell him where to put things so they wash properly, he just chucks them in so they need washing again. I should just do it myself!’ But guess what, in this case, that is exactly what he wanted her to do.”
TikTok content
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He added, “It is a passive-aggressive way of getting someone to do something that you just, well, really don’t want to do. There are several studies that show “Weaponized Incompetence” is more of a male behaviour to do and this could be because of indoctrinated behaviour, stereotyping of roles within households etc. It can be simply expected that women carry out the ‘caretaker’ role and so assume responsibility where it isn’t necessary, or are given it when it needs to be discussed.”
In one viral TikTok, siblings lectured their dad on this behaviour, telling him “daddy, every year your only job at Thanksgiving is to set the table. EVERY YEAR you forget to put out cups,” the comment section was flooded with similar experiences and from men admitting they had done this: ‘Weaponized incompetence. I had never heard of this but I understand and am guilty of it lol’ and ‘I, as a man, will be the change. I recognize that I have done this, and will work on my ‘weaponized incompetence.’”
TikTok content
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If you notice these signs, it might be time to address the imbalance in your relationship or put your needs first.
Because what are we not doing anymore? Finding incompetence cute.