We all know the pop culture references to the ‘emotionally unavailable’. Perhaps the most referenced is Sex And The City‘s Mr Big, whose arsenal of red flags include his stringing-along behaviour, on-off fear of commitment and inability to make space for Carrie in his life.
And while the term ‘emotionally unavailable’ is often used to describe toxic (usually male) characters in movies and TV shows, it’s a genuine thing in IRL relationships, too. Anyone can be emotionally unavailable, in fact – and there is often a very real root cause to the issue, such as attachment styles from childhood or even trauma.
According to Saied Shahsavari, holistic wellbeing expert and founder of The Ineffable Group, an emotionally unavailable person is generally someone who pushes away from commitment and truly intimate relationships, and in essence, “is not ready to be loved”. This can apply to all relationships, from romantic to platonic.
In fact, rather than wondering whether our potential partners are emotionally unavailable, one constructive thing we can all do in our own self development is assess our own emotional availability – which, for Saied, is key.
“Individuals themselves need to figure out if they themselves are ready to go into new relationship,” he says. “It’s not about looking for ‘signs’ in others.”
Here’s what you need to know about emotional unavailability, and how to identify it…
What signs might show that I’m emotionally unavailable?
“There are a number of signs which show someone is not ready to start a new relationship. The signs could be completely different depending on the root of the problem,” says Saied.
This can present in a number of ways – some people block off their emotions and refuse to fully commit to their partners, others nit-pick and constantly criticise their relationships, expecting perfection.
In his clients, Saied has often observed anxiety in the emotionally unavailable. “There is often uncertainty. They are hypersensitive, they’re very reactive, rather than responsive. Essentially, they are not ready for the levels of closeness a relationship involves.”
What are the usual reasons for emotional unavailability?
For Saied, there is usually one of three fundamental reasons.
- ‘A sense of lack’: “Often, people think there is something wrong with them and they aren’t good enough. A sense of lack changes someone’s vibration, and a low vibration attracts misery and unhappiness. If you can develop and present your own uniqueness, you will be much happier and can share this happiness with others.”
- Trust issues: “You may have unsolved problems from the past which means you might move these problems to your next relationship. Many people think the answer is to find the ‘right person’ – really you need to work on your vibration, quality and energy to find a better connection.”
- Relationship expectations: “In modern life, people have no time. And because of social media, they always think whoever comes into a relationship with them should be perfect. Financially perfect, emotionally perfect, physically perfect. The problem comes when you don’t want to show the other person your true self or any weakness – and equally, they expect the other to be perfect.”
What does being truly emotionally available look like?
“Being emotionally independent and feeling it – i.e. not being affected by others’ ideas. Having the power to learn from your mistakes and correct yourself, not bringing the past to the present.
“Taking full responsibility for yourself. Flexibility and resilience. Being ready for commitment – which means appreciating long-term gratification over short-term satisfaction.”
How can I become ready for love and boost my emotional awareness?
“When you go into the dating world, take the best of yourself, such as your energy, balance and happiness,” says Saied. “If you count on your physical appearance alone, you’ll enter a never-ending competition with the rest of society, which causes anxiety. Work on being the best version of yourself, rather than looking for that perfect person that can ‘complete’ you.”